In our last blog, we used the term “owning,” which is a concept fundamental to the Healthy Grieving process.
Owning or taking ownership is the process of awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of what we don’t want to see, know or accept about ourselves.
It is the opposite of denial, avoidance and suppression.
It is that moment of awareness that yes, this trait, quality, behavior, feeling, attitude, outlook — is, indeed, me.
Without pushing the awareness away with “yes but” or “I only sometimes do that” or “Okay, maybe that’s a part of me.”
Owning is the full-on acceptance of Yes, this is me, this is who I am.
The common resistance to owning the things we don’t want to know about ourselves is the defensive posture that says “Well, a part of me may do that, but it’s not who I am — certainly not all of who I am. I don’t always do that. I am not always like that. It may be a part of me, but it’s not really me.”
That’s not owning.
The best example of the concept of owning comes from AA and other Twelve Step programs.
When a person attends a meeting for the first time, finally ready to acknowledge the truth to themselves and others, s/he stands up in that room and clearly states, “I am an alcoholic.”
They don’t say, “I am sometimes an alcoholic.” Nor, “I have been known to engage in alcoholic behavior.” Nor, “On occasion, I may drink too much.”
No.
They say,” I am an alcoholic.”
Unequivocal.
Qualifications like “sometimes” or “not always” or “yes but” or “well, that might be a part of me” are the opposite of acknowledging the truth and taking full ownership.
And while it’s true that there are probably hours of the day the alcoholic is not drinking, and alcoholism isn’t the sum total of the person — taking ownership – admitting the truth — requires the global understanding that yes, this is me – without dissembling or denial or equivocation.
Not Yes but. Just yes. Yes, I have an anger problem. I married my husband for money and security. I am a liar. I am competitive. I am judgmental. I am weak. I am a narcissist. I am a cheater. I didn’t love my brother. I want to be taken care of. I need a relationship to feel good about myself. I’m a gossip.
Otherwise, we are denying our own experience of ourselves. Which keeps us fragmented, hiding, unhealthy. And which makes wholeness and healing impossible.
There’s a reason that ownership is the first step in A.A; it’s because nothing can happen until that moment has taken place. Once we have owned something, there is the possibility of letting it go, of releasing the charge, releasing the hold it has.
In ownership, there is the possibility of freedom.
But there is no possibility until then.
Any aspect of yourself that you deny can never be let go of.
Go back and re-read last week’s blog. Notice how the client’s willingness to tell herself the truth — to own that she didn’t love her first husband and used him — is what set her free.
Then consider giving yourself the same gift.