Our last blog post covered the concept of owning. In today’s post, one of the participants in the Healthy Grieving training shares her personal experience with the owning process. Here is her experience as told to our interviewer:

“During the section on owning in the Healthy Grieving training, I volunteered to do the process in the front of the room. The topic for me was being controlling. When asked how controlling I was, I thought maybe I would rank as a 4 or a 5 on a scale from 1 -10 because I knew that I could be kind of controlling. When we muscle tested my answer we got that I was a 10 on the scale.

I immediately had a strong emotional reaction, a visceral feeling of “Uh oh.’ And then the moment of realization, ‘I am a control freak.’

I’ve done a lot of work in therapy over the years and thought that I had my control freak under control so to speak, but I suddenly saw that ‘controlling my control freak’ is not the same as fully owning it in order to be able to let it go.

Muscle testing is very helpful in this process because the mind can’t deny what has come up, which it wants to do. Bypassing the mind with muscle testing opens the door to be able to see the truth, and see it from a deep heart space. This level of acknowledgement is very different from the mind saying, ‘I can admit I sometimes do that.’

I went from the idea that, yeah, I can sometimes be a little controlling to a full-blown recognition of the truth of the situation. It was kind of like putting together pieces of a puzzle, and facing something that my mind or my intellect had been avoiding knowing.

The process of owning doesn’t happen in the mind; it happens at a different level, in the heart.  It’s like my heart took over from my mind; that’s how I was able to own it. There is such a profound difference between a sort of surface acknowledgement in the mind that I sometimes do this versus the deep recognition, the absolute knowing and understanding that THIS IS ME.  I AM a control freak. Not that I can sometimes be this way, but THIS IS ME. In the process, you get taken to a place — I was taken to a place — where I was able to recognize and accept that yes I am in fact this.  Going to this deeper place, there was no looking anywhere else. There’s no way that I could have not seen it.  From a mind place you can deny, but when you bring it up from a heart place, there’s no denying it.

In my case, as soon as the process began to unfold, I understood that I was seeing from the heart rather than the mind because of the raw, vulnerable and exposed place I went to, and the sense of knowing it as the truth from a place deeper than the mind. This experience is very humbling as you suddenly see the thing you haven’t wanted to look at and see how it shows up in in your whole life. You can’t just brush it aside. There’s a simplicity to seeing at this level. There’s not a lot of story; there’s just the realization, the knowing.

The interesting this is that there is no shame at this level. For some reason, from that space, I felt held by my heart. It was like it was holding me up so strongly and saying, ‘Look at this honestly’ and at the same time there was the sense that it was okay. It isn’t bad or good; it just is.  So, now what do you want to do with it?

As vulnerable as it is, it’s also a breath of fresh air, ‘Ahhh, it’s out in the open now. I can let it out.’  It’s like when you’re carrying around a lie or a secret, and you finally let it out and realize the huge relief of saying it out loud.

For me, the process opened a window that enabled me to see all the ways I truly was a control freak in so many areas of my life.  I started to see it in places that I hadn’t seen it before — some overt and others covert. I saw that I try to control people, situations and I even try to control conversations, control what comes up so I’m not uncomfortable and so the other person isn’t uncomfortable. It was everywhere.

The strong “I am” statement is the first step, the knowing it without denial. Being able to define it –define ‘control freak’ — AS ME was also an important step. To be able to articulate what control freak looks like as me, what does it mean for me and how do I experience this in my life? That helped open my eyes wider to see how it showed up in my life –unique to me, not the label, but my actual experience of it.  The label – ‘control freak’ can mean 100 different things; I had to be honest with myself about what this is for me.

From that place of knowing, from that heart space, the mind can’t reorganize it or brush it off with ‘Yeah, maybe I do that sometimes and it’s probably something I should work on.’ No. It’s there in a way that can’t be denied. There’s no choice but to fully see it.

And you start to see how it’s limiting you and robbing you of a true experience or life.  And what it’s doing to the people around you. I started to see the hardship I was causing in the world and in my relationships because of my own selfish need to be in control. And, it didn’t feel good anymore.

Letting Go

Seeing it is one thing. But how does the letting go part happen?

You own it so deeply and see so clearly how it’s disrupting your life and causing such dysfunction, that the letting go happens naturally.  At the same time you’re seeing how destructive it is, your heart is also showing you how peaceful it would be to not have to hold onto it anymore, how freeing, how light it could be, and all the weight you would get to let go of if you didn’t have to hold that anymore. So you actually want to let it go and it naturally releases. You get to where you want to cultivate and explore that peacefulness you feel.

I was also able to see that my effort to control my external world  was actually an effort to control myself, that I was  unconsciously controlling everything in my life — because that’s how I was controlling me. Even in working with clients, I saw how much time and energy I expended trying to control and manipulate situations so I felt comfortable, liked or accepted.  And I saw how extensively my external world was defining me. I needed people to understand me and like me and see things from my point of view so that I could understand myself, because I experienced myself through my external world. I was always sending people articles and stuff that supported how I see things. And that is also how I felt safe.  Wow, I just realized I don’t do that anymore.

After I owned being a control freak and let it go, I couldn’t believe how quickly my life began to change and how much more relaxed I felt. Here are a few examples:

• A few months ago, a friend of mine was giving a big talk in front of 500 people. I was so tense about it, it might as well have been me on that stage. I wasn’t in a position to control any part of it, but I was holding on so tight, and so tense I could feel it in my muscles. It wasn’t even about me, but I see now that I was trying to control the situation because if she messed up or was embarrassed or something, I would have to feel my own discomfort. When I went to her next talk, after I had owned and let go of being a control freak, it was a completely different experience. I was calm and relaxed. It wasn’t about me and there was nothing I could do anyway. And I had this realization that Gosh, I have been trying to control things and other people’s experiences that were completely out of my hands so I didn’t have to feel my own stuff. What I was trying to control all along was my own stuff, avoiding my own discomfort and pain. I don’t do that anymore.
• My mom and dad were recently in town for a graduation. I was so relaxed, I almost didn’t recognize myself. I could just allow them to be who they are; I wasn’t even triggered by them in the ways I usually am.  I let them be who they are and didn’t have to control them. And I let myself be who I am. I realized, I don’t have to control any of this. It was so freeing, to just be with them and just be able to enjoy their company. Parents are the ultimate test of where you’re at. They even stayed with us in our little apartment and I was fine.
• I think my husband would tell you that he sees and feels a big difference. He notices that I am much more relaxed around him and can allow him to be himself and have his own experiences without trying to manipulate his experience in any way. And we both notice that when my controlling pattern shows up, I see it and correct it really fast. I’m owning myself in our interactions. Owning my part. I can see and own in the moment, Oh, that’s me trying to control something. I can see it and let it go.
• I also notice a big difference in trying to control what other people are doing. For example, I no longer nag my husband about wearing a bicycle helmet. In the past, I was sure I was  concerned about him and his safety, but I understand now that I was trying to control that situation because if something happened to him, that would be devastating for me. I was trying to protect myself from the pain I would feel if he got hurt; it wasn’t actually worry or concern for him. That’s true for any situation where I’m saying that I’m worried or care or looking out for someone. It’s not about them; it’s about me. I’m trying to control the situation so I don’t get hurt. Our mind tricks us that it’s about the other person and we care about them, but it’s just that we don’t want to feel the upset ourselves.

It’s easy to look at the owning process like a magic pill that will fix everything because the process is so profound, but you still have to take the inspired action to take the new path until it just naturally becomes your truth and your nature. Because your old responses might still feel like an option, especially in your mind. But what happens is that your new experience, your new truth feels so much better, and the old way feels so awful, it feels like clothes that just don’t fit anymore. At some point, you grow into your change and your changes become you.

I was a control freak, but I can truthfully say that’s not me anymore. I am way less controlling. Much less stressed out. More relaxed around other people. More relaxed around my husband. More calm in myself. More in the flow of things and of life. Letting go of my need to control things has personally freed me in very profound ways.  But first I had to know that I was one. Nothing happens without fully owning that first.

In our last blog, we used the term “owning,” which is a concept fundamental to the Healthy Grieving process.

Owning or taking ownership is the process of awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of what we don’t want to see, know or accept about ourselves.

It is the opposite of denial, avoidance and suppression.

It is that moment of awareness that yes, this trait, quality, behavior, feeling, attitude, outlook — is, indeed, me.

Without pushing the awareness away with “yes but” or “I only sometimes do that” or “Okay, maybe that’s a part of me.”

Owning is the full-on acceptance of Yes, this is me, this is who I am.

The common resistance to owning the things we don’t want to know about ourselves is the defensive posture that says “Well, a part of me may do that, but it’s not who I am — certainly not all of who I am. I don’t always do that. I am not always like that. It may be a part of me, but it’s not really me.”

That’s not owning.

The best example of the concept of owning comes from AA and other Twelve Step programs.

When a person attends a meeting for the first time, finally ready to acknowledge the truth to themselves and others, s/he stands up in that room and clearly states, “I am an alcoholic.”

They don’t say, “I am sometimes an alcoholic.” Nor, “I have been known to engage in alcoholic behavior.” Nor, “On occasion, I may drink too much.”

No.

They say,” I am an alcoholic.”

Unequivocal.

Qualifications like “sometimes” or “not always” or “yes but” or “well, that might be a part of me” are the opposite of acknowledging the truth and taking full ownership.

And while it’s true that there are probably hours of the day the alcoholic is not drinking, and alcoholism isn’t the sum total of the person — taking ownership – admitting the truth — requires the global understanding that yes, this is me – without dissembling or denial or equivocation.

Not Yes but.  Just yes.  Yes, I have an anger problem.  I married my husband for money and security. I am a liar. I am competitive. I am judgmental. I am weak. I am a narcissist. I am a cheater. I didn’t love my brother. I want to be taken care of. I need a relationship to feel good about myself.  I’m a gossip.

Otherwise, we are denying our own experience of ourselves. Which keeps us fragmented, hiding, unhealthy. And which makes wholeness and healing impossible.

There’s a reason that ownership is the first step in A.A; it’s because nothing can happen until that moment has taken place. Once we have owned something, there is the possibility of letting it go, of releasing the charge, releasing the hold it has.

In ownership, there is the possibility of freedom.

But there is no possibility until then.

Any aspect of yourself that you deny can never be let go of.

Go back and re-read last week’s blog. Notice how the client’s willingness to tell herself the truth — to own that she didn’t love her first husband and used him — is what set her free.

Then consider giving yourself the same gift.