In our last blog, we used the term “owning,” which is a concept fundamental to the Healthy Grieving process.

Owning or taking ownership is the process of awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of what we don’t want to see, know or accept about ourselves.

It is the opposite of denial, avoidance and suppression.

It is that moment of awareness that yes, this trait, quality, behavior, feeling, attitude, outlook — is, indeed, me.

Without pushing the awareness away with “yes but” or “I only sometimes do that” or “Okay, maybe that’s a part of me.”

Owning is the full-on acceptance of Yes, this is me, this is who I am.

The common resistance to owning the things we don’t want to know about ourselves is the defensive posture that says “Well, a part of me may do that, but it’s not who I am — certainly not all of who I am. I don’t always do that. I am not always like that. It may be a part of me, but it’s not really me.”

That’s not owning.

The best example of the concept of owning comes from AA and other Twelve Step programs.

When a person attends a meeting for the first time, finally ready to acknowledge the truth to themselves and others, s/he stands up in that room and clearly states, “I am an alcoholic.”

They don’t say, “I am sometimes an alcoholic.” Nor, “I have been known to engage in alcoholic behavior.” Nor, “On occasion, I may drink too much.”

No.

They say,” I am an alcoholic.”

Unequivocal.

Qualifications like “sometimes” or “not always” or “yes but” or “well, that might be a part of me” are the opposite of acknowledging the truth and taking full ownership.

And while it’s true that there are probably hours of the day the alcoholic is not drinking, and alcoholism isn’t the sum total of the person — taking ownership – admitting the truth — requires the global understanding that yes, this is me – without dissembling or denial or equivocation.

Not Yes but.  Just yes.  Yes, I have an anger problem.  I married my husband for money and security. I am a liar. I am competitive. I am judgmental. I am weak. I am a narcissist. I am a cheater. I didn’t love my brother. I want to be taken care of. I need a relationship to feel good about myself.  I’m a gossip.

Otherwise, we are denying our own experience of ourselves. Which keeps us fragmented, hiding, unhealthy. And which makes wholeness and healing impossible.

There’s a reason that ownership is the first step in A.A; it’s because nothing can happen until that moment has taken place. Once we have owned something, there is the possibility of letting it go, of releasing the charge, releasing the hold it has.

In ownership, there is the possibility of freedom.

But there is no possibility until then.

Any aspect of yourself that you deny can never be let go of.

Go back and re-read last week’s blog. Notice how the client’s willingness to tell herself the truth — to own that she didn’t love her first husband and used him — is what set her free.

Then consider giving yourself the same gift.

 

 

 

 

Paul Simon famously sang that there were ”50 ways to leave your lover,” but as most of us know, leaving behind the emotional attachment can be just as challenging as leaving the relationship.

Attachment to former partners can linger for years and years. And there is often more tied up in our holding on than just unresolved feelings for the partner we left behind. If there is still a “charge” associated with the loss, some part of our self has gotten left behind.

One Healthy Grieving client recently used the process to let go of her first love, from whom she had parted more than 15 years prior. She said that she had not been aware that she was still carrying so much pain about this person — which has turned out to be a common theme with clients grieving past relationships.

Working with the Healthy Grieving process, she found feelings of shame, regret and deep sadness. At a deeper level, she also discovered that in the loss of the relationship she also “lost the freedom to express my creativity straight from my heart like I did when I was with him.”

By grieving and letting go, she was able to reclaim the freedom of creative expression that she lost when their relationship ended, reporting that, “An unexpected gift is that now I feel far more free to express myself and my creativity in ways that I was afraid to before.” Since she used the Healthy Grieving process to let go of her past relationship, she says, “I hardly ever think of my first love anymore, and when I do, what is left is a tender appreciation for him and the beautiful, goofy, fun times we had together, but there isn’t any pain.”

Another client worked on letting go of an ex-husband. They had divorced in 2000, and she insisted that she didn’t have any feelings for him, that she was “completely done with him.” But her resistance to looking at the relationship was a good indication that there might be something there that hadn’t let go.

In her own words she describes that, “It was very interesting where the Healthy Grieving process took me in relation to my first husband. I was quite surprised by what came up and by the words that were coming out of my mouth.”

The Healthy Grieving process took her to a place where she had to admit to herself, “I married him because I thought it would be better than being single. I had to own that I entered into this union with someone I didn’t fully want to be with. I thought that I loved him enough. That was the actual statement I made – loved him enough. I had to see and own that I really did that to someone — used him in that way.  I married the guy, not because I fully loved him and fully wanted to be with him. I entered into the marriage to save myself.”

“This is not something I am proud of” she went on to say,” but the Healthy Grieving process helped me go there, gave me permission to look at this, and in going there, in being willing to see this seedy side of myself and own* it, I was able to let it go.”

“It turns out, that this was hanging over me in a way I wasn’t really aware of. I thought I was completely done with him, with the relationship. I’m happily remarried. He’s remarried. I wish him well, etc. – but I had to go through the process to get that part of me back, to own that I did this to someone, tell myself the truth about it, and then be free to let it go. No matter what we are telling ourselves about our past relationships, unless we allow ourselves to go into that place, to explore the darker places, then it’s still with us, we haven’t really moved on.”

This client reports a number of meaningful results from the grieving work she did:

1. “In relation to my ex I can now be open–hearted when I think of him, whereas before I was hiding, hiding a part of myself. I thought that everything was fine — we were friends on Facebook, I was happy for him — but obviously, there was still some unconscious stuff there and I am very grateful to have found it. I have now been able to let go of this person who I had been energetically holding, whether I was aware of it or not.”
2. “The level of intimacy and friendship with my current husband is deeper and clearer. Letting go of what was still tied up with my first marriage freed me to be 100% present with my present husband, who I did marry for the right reasons, who I married for love and because I want to spend my life with him. We’re laughing more, enjoying each other more.”
3. “Once I re-owned that part of me that I had disowned, I could be all there with my husband and in relation to my ex, but most important in myself. I was able to re-integrate a part of myself that I can now be with and accept unconditionally. One of the goals I’ve had in my life is to feel complete; when I’m on my deathbed I want to know I did everything I could to be fully me. Every time I do the Healthy Grieving process and come through the other side, I feel more complete and whole. “

If you have a past relationship you think you’re “done with,” consider giving yourself the gift of looking deeper. You never know what you might be lurking there and what letting go can free you from and open you to.

 

*See next week’s blog on “owning.”